I had, what can only be described as some sort of evolutionary response to the last five minutes of Tuesday’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode as one Ken Todd, surrounded by handheld dogs and dying roses, pulled out a collated packet of printed off text messages between Teddi Jo Mellencamp and a man named John Blizzard. My hearing sharpened acutely; my truly terrible eyesight briefly corrected itself; I could taste the ink from whatever printer these pages came from, in whatever home office Ken spends his days toddling around, reorganizing pens in cups and shuffling papers…
But today, for the first time since he slipped on that pool’s Baja shelf, Ken had something worth paying attention to; he had receipts. To borrow a line from my good friend Calvin Harris featuring my close confidante Rihanna: baby—this is what we came for.
Even if I still don’t understand what any of those “textseses” quite mean, in the land of accusations and rumors, I always revel is some cold, hard Real Housewives receipts. Especially when they’re printed like a large font Bible at that strip mall Christian book store you can’t believe is still in business. And these weren’t even the first receipts of the episode! While Erika and Teddi pretend they are two people who like each other, Teddi said ominously of her assuredness that LVP has been setting her up: “I don’t want to have to pull out the proof.” And Erika, knowing that Housewives is the one place where the pullout method is the most effective form of protection responds: “You may have to pull out the proof.”
Unfortunately, Teddi is still new around here. Whereas Lisa and Ken whip out a girthy packet of texts, Teddi is only packing a micro-screenshot, cropped within an inch of its life to reveal a single, allegedly damning “YES.”
After Teddi fled last week’s dinner because she thought Lisa Vanderpump had set her up to gossip about Dorit with factual truths (that’s according to Lisa Rinna’s screams from down the table), Dorit opens this episode saying, “I tried to rescue a dog from Vanderpump Dog Center and it blew up in my face.” Which is so rich I think we can all quit our day jobs just from hearing it. “And to top it all off,” she says, “I find out people have been gossiping about me.” Dorit—to top what all off?! There is only one thing that’s happened to you: you nearly got a dog with four names and one heroic deed (insert photo of PK’s lightly scraped schnozz here) under her collar killed by giving her away to an unverified stranger!
When Dorit, Lisa Rinna, Denise, and Camille go out snorkeling, Denise very innocently is like, I’m just a down home, jorts-wearing gal, so you might have to spell it out for me, but…DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT TELL LISA VANDERPUMP THAT LUCY LUCY APPLE JUICE WAS BEING AGGRESSIVE BEFORE YOU GAVE HER AWAY?
Denise doesn’t have much of a storyline going on for herself, but I do enjoy her as the (surprisingly Midwestern) voice of reason. Dorit weaves a convoluted narrative about how they had first adopted another dog, Maddie (full name: Maddie Maddie Chicken Patty, presumably) who bit Phoenix, so they took Maddie back to Vanderpump Dogs immediately, then they adopted Lucy, and she bit PK: “So with Lucy, I spoke to Lisa the day after Lucy had gone to her new home.” Oh, you mean the day that Lisa was told the dog was in a kill shelter? Cool.
Camille (the fancy voice of reason) tells Dorit that LVP was probably just annoyed that she didn’t know the dog was being sent somewhere else and Dorit looks like she’s been studying at Joey Tribbiani’s school of “Smell the Fart” acting for years. She’s trying so hard to look confused at how notorious dog lover Lisa Vanderpump could possibly have been annoyed with her for second-hand gifting one her dogs like some Yankee Candle air freshener she got in a white elephant exchange…
NEXT…
Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe
from Viral News Show https://ift.tt/2C7T0Lr
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